By Micah Sali, Bungoma
If National Assembly Speaker Moses Wetang’ula was born in the 1950’s, then he ever ‘raided’ homes with ‘beautiful girls of good reputation ‘ while he was a teenager.
Wetang’ula knows that the girlfriends of ‘his age’ who are now clutching on walking sticks never said yes to a man neither did they marry nor the one they loved.
They only stayed with the one they were ‘given’ by force beyond their comprehension or ‘outside forces’ and only a handful of them ended up marrying the people they loved.
They were either ‘carried away by strong men to ‘esimba‘ of the groom by force, locked in the hut and forced to copulate.
Most of them were virgins and out of embracement they would marry the ‘strong person’ even if he was rich, poor, ugly or a witch as long as the bride price was settled. Even for once while seducing them on the road at night, or in a funeral setting or in the banana plantation, they never said yes to your proposal.
You could know they are affirming when you observed how they ‘avoided looking at you in the face, how they ‘draws lines ‘ in the dust, how they ‘chewed ‘ their nails’, how they constantly said they would report you to their elder brothers or cousins (the one who was a terror in wrestling and ‘rural boxing’) for ‘speaking bad manners’.
You would also take note of the time they spent listening to you( up to midnight and next to their compound) and then if you are sharp enough to conclude that as you continue ‘pumping fantasy’ in her ears, she will crush slowly and give in to your dose.
After all the way to a woman’s heart is through her ears (same for a politician ways to the voter’s heart) and then once she says she is feeling sleepy and the mid night cold biting her to the bones but for you as a ‘gangster’…like a giraffe you begin seeing the end from the beginning…
You quickly suggest ending up the ‘friendly argument’ and taking her away from the cold but deep in your heart you know your words and gentle touch has aroused ‘an ancestral spirit in her that will not settle until its ‘spanked out…
While holding her hand towards the ‘slaughterhouse…though for her, she will be feeling safe, comfortable and protected, you will know that her comfort will make her vulnerable.
Once she gets hot while caressing her girls of those days would utter statements such as “don’t touch me, these are my dangerous days”,kumbe wewe una tabia mbaya hivi,niaaache Mimi ni mgonjwa..etc,..but deep within them they will be saying ‘come baby come’…(the way Western Kenya is saying ‘Weta Tawe ‘ because ‘ they are yearning for and yet he is behaving like the priest and yet they are used to ‘violent romance’.
Wetang’ula should know that there are ‘classmates, neighbours and even strangers yearning for the opportunity to ‘take this girl (Luhya vote) to bed tomorrow but he is the ‘bandit’ with the girl at midnight…he has very limited time to make or break the syndicate.
The ‘others’ may be classmates who perform well in class, may have stronger backgrounds than him, affluent parents who may use money to influence her decisions or may be a ‘Muanda’ or powerful suitor who may be the ‘real thing’ when it comes to proposal for marriage .
Wetang’ula should seize ‘this rare opportunity ‘ to escort her (Luhya voter) to his esimba and not his father’s hut.
He should ‘summon the ancestors of Babutu and Babuya’ to help him at this important time and ask the spirits of his forefathers to overwhelm her with ‘ stupor, carelessness, confusion, excitement and desire for ‘sex’ with him.
Once he takes her in the ‘esimba’…and luckily his party symbol is a lion, he should take her straight to be bedroom .While caressing her (in funerals, meetings and public rallies) he should promise all kind of nonexistent and existent things in heaven,( even if he has no clue about heaven),under the water and on earth.
Once she says she is scared of associating with him because his father who is a night runner (his past).Wetang’ula should defend him (his father) by saying that he is a good man witch haunted by envious neighbours…He can as well tell her that the old man is a retired Olympic champion (competed in 100 and 200M races for Kenya in the 50’s who still does exercise at night to keep fit physically).
While defending his father, Wetang’ula should move his hands with speed to move around ‘the anatomy that lies below the line’ to break her strength of mind and weaken her more as she (the voter) says ‘ese hayo’ ,. the way some are saying ‘Tawe’ the hands(experience in politics) should be busy destabilising her and she will be on panting and saying ‘yaani wenye khumba enda..ese papa kanjira’…then if he is truely born in 50s where protests from bees could not stop a hot man out to get honey from a beehive… He would press harder towards the goal.
He should know that getting her ‘pregnant’ was nigh than he thought…after all women then didn’t use family planning tools. Wetang’ula should then know that she (Western voter) needs a’ little force’ to get ‘there’).
He should know that he only has one chance (the last bullet) to reach glory land even if he will be nicknamed by the Bukusu ‘Mukinginyi’. If he knows ‘there is a possibility of ‘crashing the marauding egg’ in her womb…by ‘Khukinginya’ then he should do it his style.
Then the last thing Wetang’ula should do is pull away the ‘ ‘fence'(resistance from within the community) and if it’s strong ‘ uproot it with his nails as he promises to buy other 20′ new fences’ for her after.
While ‘storming the beehive’ he should ‘ kill the bees’ …open up her thighs with might as she tries to fold her legs. When she says ‘ese endapa endururu’…(Wetang’ula) should summon his energy of making people ‘khukenda butima’ and release an electric ‘luyi'( an electric slap on her buttocks) that will make her naturally open the ‘ bee hive’ and then eat all the honey ..
If she was by then more ‘civilized ‘yaani more African in setting, she would not be putting on the ‘alien clothes’…an advantage for the Speaker to pass through ‘sitweya’ with strength and speed of a wounded lion and harvest the honey.
That’s what Wetang’ula who has reached ‘esimba’ should do now to ‘eat the honey of Luhyas. He should not think what if she reported to the ‘big brothers’ neither should he think about how to handle the new groom (Natembeya) seducing the girl in broad daylight and appears to be the ‘ new kid on the block’.
She should ‘use all skills to ‘ eat the honey the style of a bandit ‘and ensure by 2026, Western Kenya’ khefucha kamare'( is pregnant) and if he will not apply the ‘bandit style’, so many gentle suitors will be approaching the ‘girl in the morning, Natembeya leading, followed by Riggy G.
If Wetang’ula thinks I’m joking, let him ask the gentle suitors of the ‘golden age’ if they are now staying with the ones they loved…They got the ones they have.
